Monday, November 30, 2009

That's what wings are for

One fine snowy morning in Northern New Jersey I was prepping for school at my grandparent’s house. My mother had to be at work early so she would typically unload me down the street so my grandpa (Poppy) could drop me at school, on his way to work. It was particularly snowy that day, so Poppy headed out to warm the car and shovel a walkway, so my little self wouldn’t be encrusted with white powder. He was in and out the back door and I was chiter-chattering with my grandma (Gram) in the kitchen.Sufficient time had passed so I headed out to go forth and buckle myself in. Teetering on the ice I had my eyes locked on the ground to prepare myself for my next step. Nearing the car something caught my eye. There was something red on a land of white and in being my nosey self I headed straight for it. Getting up close to inspect I screamed!

“Gram! Gram! EW!”I picked up the bloody sanitary napkin, how awfully disgusting, and ran inside to show what was emptied onto their yard.

“Gram! Look what I found in the driveway! It’s a MAXI PAD!”

She bellied over with laughter as I stood confused with a maxi pad stuck to my right mitten.

“Isn’t that disgusting? Some lady threw it away on your driveway!” I presumed.

She laughed even harder, with tears squirting from her eyes, as Poppy appeared from the back door. His eyes went wide! The maxi pad was still waving in the air and I was suddenly embarrassed. Had Poppy thought it was mine!? I was only eight! He raced over, steaming mad and grabbed it from my tiny paw.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” I was frightened, he was a large fellow.

He stomped out of the house, got in the car, waiting for me in silence. Gram was regaining her breath. I was horrified.

“Am I in trouble?"

" Oh, heavens no, I am! Your Grandfather came in before to tell me he has hemorrhoids so he borrowed one of my sanitary napkins. Except he had no idea he needed to fasten it so he was alerting me that it dropped from his pants somewhere around the house. Unfortunately you found it! But don’t be worry you’re in no trouble at all. At least you found it and not a neighbor!”

I had no idea which was worse. But I meekly walked to the car, got in and fastened my seat belt. We drove in complete silence.

All I wanted to say was perhaps next time he should use a tampon.

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